I have noticed the older I get, the opportunity for me is to grow up too. Not grow down but up. What I mean is, be less entrenched in my strongly held opinions and beliefs, my thoughts, my fears, my unconscious cultural adoption of old habits, prejudices, emotions and feelings on a range of subjects and morals, as well as judgments of others. Since my diagnosis, allowing myself to be humbled and grateful, be willing to be the observer of my thoughts and thought processes, and then, be transparent about them has given me a new realm of freedom as well as ease in conversations and relationships with family, friends, coworkers, strangers, neighbors, my cats, driving, and with Jana, my wife and partner.

A while ago, we renovated our kitchen and bathroom. During that time, my neighbor downstairs became upset with our contractor. I thought my neighbor was making a mountain out of a mole hill. I was siding with our contractor’s opinion. And, my neighbor became more and more upset as the renovations continued. I just felt he was being a “pain in the butt” so to speak. Finally, he called me and said “We have to talk person to person.” I reluctantly agreed. We met, and he talked, listing a litany of complaints. I was tuning him out, just “putting up” with his complaints. But, he continued. And continued. And, as he continued, I began to notice my thoughts and how I was thinking. It was, for the first time in my life, a moment where I separated myself from my thoughts. I realized the problem almost instantly- it was me. I was the problem. I wasn’t listening to anything he was saying or ever had said to me about the renovations. I stopped him and said “Seth, I’m the problem- up until right now, I haven’t listened to anything you’ve been saying! I’ve related to you as the problem, and I’ve been so arrogant, that I just tuned you out until right now. I am so so sorry. Let’s start from the beginning and I’m going to write everything you’ve been complaining about and I will address them with the contractor, and I promise you I will get all of these resolved until this project is complete. Count on me to respond to everything you have an issue with, and I will be your partner. I am so so sorry. Let’s start again!” He was dumbfounded and flabbergasted. He asked “What just happened?” “Seth” I said, “I just realized, I’m the jerk- and I am learning to grow up as I grow older. I’m not an expert nor should I assume to be- and the less I assume, the better things seem to get. So lets be partners in this and work this out together!’ And Seth and I talked, and talked, and talked, until we worked everything out in that conversation. And, at the end of the conversation, Seth turned to me and said “Dan, this is the weirdest and best conversation I’ve ever experienced. Thank you- and I’ve never had an argument where I’ve ended with a hug. But I am going to hug you! Thank you!” And he hugged me! And our friendship has become a wonderful partnership between two friends.

I invite you to just be humble, don’t assume anything, be willing to grow up as we grow older and not grow down. Be willing to really observe your thoughts and be transparent, but transparent where you own your thoughts, not as though your thoughts are just reactions for others to deal with but as a resource to discover something newly.

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Be well, be your own best friend, and be kind, especially to yourself!

With love Daniel