In my work I have had the privilege of supporting people who have been bereaved. During the pandemic I worked with many souls who had lost relatives and friends. No one had in my lifetime experienced mass deaths to the extent of Covid. In wartime it was different. Not as immediate and raw. Telegrams were often sent to relatives saying, “missing presumed dead”. There was a glimmer of hope. Yet there are Commonwealth War Graves across the UK and Europe. The standard
memorials each had their own stories.

So what about deaths from Covid? Sometimes people died alone without their relatives there. Or the deaths were unduly distressing because of ventilators and no advance notice from medical staff. Some families had to say goodbye to their relatives by iPad video calls. No contact, holding hands or giving comfort.The delays in funerals, or services held with a minimum of family present also caused huge levels of distress. All these factors made the grieving process even more difficult.

Death is the main given of life- we will all go there. Yet some deaths are more expected than others. Old age death is a natural progression. Even the Queen died of old age. The most difficult to make sense of are sudden deaths, deaths of children, and as a direct result of diseases, cancer, heart attacks and progressive illnesses. These can occur at any age sadly.

Each bereavement is different, each person grieves in a different way. There is no way of knowing how each death will affect individuals. The close family losses have a ripple effect across a wider circle of relatives and friends. Older people who die have in most cases lived their time in earth. Even then there is a difference between a good death and one that isn’t considered that. But the way to get a good death is either via a hospice or Dignitas. The middle ground if dying at home in one’s own
bed supported by a hospice seems a very lacking option. Simply because hospice at home is not national. So even death is dependent on geography.

I nursed my dad in the final week of his life. He was living in Spain and had discharged himself from hospital after the man who had shared a two bed room has passed. He was not a good patient. He called the nuns who were nursing him Witches and shunned their camomile tea wanting only string Tetley’s. On arrival home to his flat he wrote a letter, got into bed and never got up again. We spent hours talking. Sometimes about his wish to take me and the children to Granada when he got better, sometimes about his past life. Never about death. He only once dreamt about seeing people who had already died as he wandered through a cornfield.

Even the day he gave up his fight he questioned where I had gone. He was told I was sleeping after a night awake with him, The truth was I had gone to see the bank manager to transfer his funds into my name so I could fund his funeral. Courtesy of a very understanding bank manager. Then I went to the chemist to get drugs and again was faced with great understanding as the pharmacist knew my dad well. I sat with him as he berated his friends for their stupid questions and complained about being unable to read his paper as his spectacles were stuck together with sellotape. He vowed to get a new pair as soon as he was better. He asked what was for lunch as he was hungry. Truth was he hadn’t eaten for a couple of weeks and was skeletal after having had his stomach removed six months before. The big man was reduced to skin and bone yet he still believed he would get well. Total denial, an hour later he was given an Injection to relieve his pain. He died peacefully less than
an hour later. Relieving his pain suppressed his breath and released his suffering.

I was incredibly sad but relieved. I walked on the beach as the undertakers took him to the funeral home. Ext day he was cremated in a very civilised crematorium- black marble, with a bar upstairs. I entertained his mourners as we waited for the money to go through as they would not do the deed until the transfer had been made.standing in a room with his friends who I had never met, trying to console them. Then back to his friend who kindly cooked me dinner. Two days later his ashes were
returned to me at 8 in the evening, the day before I flew home. They went through the Red zone at the airport customs with a flourish! Then the underground and a train to Retford, he was finally home. He sat on my windowsill for months until I decided he should lie with my mum So we had a small ceremony just his grandchildren and me. The final goodbye. His ashes were buried with my mum, poignant but appropriate.

That day I realised I had to prepare better for my own death.

Fast forward 30 years and I am again revisiting that decision. I have an Incurable cancer with the inevitable death sentence. No idea when or how. But it has concentrated my mind. How do I want to die? What do I want to happen after my death? How do I notify people? Who will console my husband, my soul mate and now my carer? I guess none of that will worry me once I am gone. But it has made me realise life is a small speck in the big universe.

Rest in peace? Who knows. But right now I am meditating using a fierce dragon who is gnawing away at my tumour. It may work for a few months. But we all have to face our own mortality sometime. Reality is no one lives forever. When we go our memories live on in family and friends. Maybe I will get to celebrate my life rather than my death. Go out with a bang, a huge party. No point in dwelling on my funeral as I won’t be around to enjoy the wake. Hence, I have chosen a direct cremation- no fuss, no sadness, no drinks at the crematorium. Then eternal rest!

Everyone deals with the end of their lives differently. I am open to all that know me. My choices are my own and would not suit all. I have no religious beliefs or the myth of life after death so that informs my idea of a perfect death. Many people suffer whilst making the transition from life to death. The idea of assisted dying is getting more of a hearing these days and that can be controversial too. Those who are deemed to have assisted the process can be held criminally responsible. Such a sad situation which means loved ones can be prosecuted at the very time they are grieving. Tragic. There is so much written and talked about nowadays and death isn’t such a taboo subject. All I want is to die peacefully with as little fuss as possible and minimal distress to my family.

People always talk about putting one’s affairs in order but some can be reluctant to do so as it means we are facing our mortality. But the fact is there are no pockets in a shroud so it makes sense to pass on our earthly belongings to those we would wish to have them. Bereavement can cause difficulties within families so it seems logical we make our wishes perfectly clear in advance. It may not stop the grief but it could preempt any disagreements. Making a will and stating one’s wishes is
a relatively simple process. And the add- on is power of attorney which can handle financial and health decisions if you lose capacity to make decisions for yourself. Advocating this seems common sense. Just choose the right executors and give power of attorney to someone you really trust. Saves a lot of hassle and faffing around. Do it now before the grim reaper decides to show his face whilst you have mental capacity and then you can truly die in peace and rest.