This last week has been the most traumatic since forever.

My husband had a cardiac ablation. He developed a pseudo aneurysm of the femoral artery which ruptured suddenly three days later. He is alive now only because I took risks. I drove him to Accident and Emergency, fought to get him seen, sat with him in resus and in the cubicle awaiting transfer to another hospital as the one we initially went to had no vascular surgeon. His BP was through the floor stabilised by fluids and he was given painkillers prior to transfer. He also had a ct scan to ascertain where the bleed was. Then they throbolysed the bleed and he survived what was a life threatening event. Thank goodness.

Had I not done this I would now be a widow. Yet for two years I rarely drove or went anywhere with crowds. In the face of what I recognised as an acute emergency I mobilised all my strength and put aside all the safeguards we had in place to minimise the Covid risks. In the face of a life or death situation I had no choice.

Even in the wait for treatment when he was very ill he told me he was dying and he was sorry he had put me at risk. He said he would never forgive himself if I caught Covid.

This has been a real eye opener for me. I have been cosseted and cared for and protected. So much so I had become afraid of the world and shrunk it to being behind a Zoom screen. Not answering the door or going anywhere, even the hospital or GP surgery. Reality hit me, I can’t shut myself any longer. If I was going to catch Covid I am sure I would have done so by now after 8 hours in A and E. 

When the chips are down you forget about personal risk. I could not contemplate losing my husband. The last ten years have been the best of my life. To lose that now would be unimaginable. So Covid has been pushed into the background. Priority now is caring for the man I could not contemplate being without. It has been a wake up call about priorities. Notwithstanding another emergency I am still being very careful but things have changed.

As some of you know I practise as a psychotherapist. As such I also have therapy- weekly, to keep my clients safe from stuff that is going in for me. The guy I talk to lives at the end of the street. Yet for two years we have met only on Zoom. On Thursday we met face to face for the first time. His remark “You have legs” was more than a bodily acknowledgement. It was couched in meaning- sometimes we have to fight and be strong. Not for ourselves but for our loved ones. In the face of this situation I decided it was well worth the risk of catching Covid to save someone who means the world to me.

It has been a very traumatic event for both of us but he survived. Our lives will be very different after all this. But as Nietzsche said “ what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”.- post traumatic growth. That’s where we are right now, reflecting on how much safety is normal and what is obsessive, purely based on fear. CLL is a chronic illness not life threatening immediately- a ruptured aneurysm is! mx