As an ex-convent boarding school child I was brainwashed! 60 years on I realise that the regime was destructive, abusive bullying and cruel. My beliefs at the time was it was abnormal to live away from my parents and that what I experienced was all too common. It created huge attachment disorders. The truth is now out there- religious orders and churches were a breeding ground for systematic abuse. We were led to believe God watched over us with an iron rod and to step outside the guidelines were tantamount to hell and damnation. A regime of fear.

For God I have replaced existential living- going with the flow and being accountable primarily to myself with respect for my fellow human beings . But also developing a nurturing relationship with family, friends, clients and colleagues. Kindness and compassion is my  mantra. Spirituality Loving kindness – there is no place for that mythical figure supposedly there to make me toe the line. 

I cannot understand why there is so much conflict in the world. Most of it is fuelled by religion and opposing factions determined not to see others viewpoint, wars have been fought over it, money has been wasted and whole nations traumatised. Where is the good in that? I work with trauma. I find that the distress caused by these belief systems are unnecessary, destructive and evil. It penalises the poor, vulnerable, innocent children and ostracises anyone with opposing views. My experience comes from the time I spent in India, the various faith groups I worked with, and subsequently the friends that developed outside of religion , with human beings who by the nature of their birthplace and  cultural background were defined as Muslim, Sikh, Hindu Parsi, Jews and Christians, we do not choose which group we belong to we inherit that in the main part, but only a few reevaluate their categorisation and choose to move.

Being a Christian does not give us the right to be right, Being a Muslim or Jew neither- indeed any faith or religion . We all belong to the world family of humanity. And there is a great deal of love in humanity just as there is evil and wrongdoing. I live by the code of do no wrong to others. i believe in self advocacy and living an open, authentic and honest life, I am not perfect because I am, by its nature, human. But I urge people to take a step back and reflect on why god is so necessary in the big scheme of things? Is it a safety net to deal with the eventuality of our own mortality? Or a get out of jail card offering an escape route when we do wrong? False comfort.

Health wise I have had a very tough two years . At one time I was preparing to die. My family visited from New Zealand to say goodbye- absolutely the worst experience of the whole episode. However in a way it’s brought us closer together. We talk now about my diagnosis and the errors made. I have connected in person with my adorable granddaughters and hope they do remember me as they grow up. We have talked about me dying and my funeral- well actually not having a funeral just a basic cremation, This has been refreshing and my husband is in complete agreement so we both have opted for that. No service, no fuss. Whatsoever My family can remember me as I was, not trail 12,000 miles to gather round a dead lifeless body. If they want to have a party then that’s on me. Similarly if my friends do then again happy to able to facilitate that. With music and poetry and fun, not with morbid grieving.

My main concern is that I need someone to comfort my wonderful husband.our relationship  has changed since my illness.He has dedicated the last two years to caring for me. It reminds me of what my mum said as she was dying.”Margaret has been so good, I never expected that”. My life has changed beyond recognition. My ability to do things is completely diminished. I still work part time which gives e a sense of utilisation of the training I did after divorce, to support my children with no financial or emotional input from my ex-husband. I am also grateful that my aunt of101 years is still there for me and I marvel at her resilience and joie de vie. Yet somehow, I have reached an acceptance and calm. I am not frightened of dying just the process. I want to die with dignity, quickly, at home. No fuss, no medical intervention when it’s an inevitable event. Maybe assisted dying if it is possible at home. No angels no sentimental gestures just an acceptance that my life has been worth living. Meanwhile I am living much more mindfully, enjoying the small things, sunshine, nature, my friends and in the moment. Am not worrying about my future but it’s quite surreal imagining I will no longer be. That is a complete revelation to me. I thought I was invincible and immortal. Yet my situation is100 percent better than the poor souls who through no fault of their own are dying and maimed as a result of conflict and war and who are made homeless by acts of unimaginable cruelty. If there is was a  god or they would not allow it.

The situation in  Gaza, the Middle East, and nearer home just confirms to me that if there was a god then the human suffering inflicted on huge numbers of people, families and children and the grief that causes should surely not be allowed to happen.For god we could substitute politicians and megalomaniacs. Never again will I hold the human destruction caused by any of these things as the way forward. It’s World Holocaust Day on Sunday 26 January, just reflecting on that genocide and anyone with a small amount of compassion must see we are heading for another Holocaust. It must not be allowed to happen again yet I can see it is quite close now more than ever. Will we ever learn?

At Blood Cancer Uncensored, we really do aim to be uncensored. We believe it is important to respectfully share whatever is important to us. Matters of faith can sometimes lead to conflict, but we hope to foster a respectful environment where we can talk about all matters freely (though of course we do not talk about faith all tha time). For an alternative view to this article see: “, God has everything to do with it” which is written by someone whose personal faith was important to them in their blood cancer journey. We welcome respectful comments over in our Facebook group on this and all other matters.

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