This is more or less written for me as I cope with the grief of the loss of my mom last month. I also wanted a way to remember my childhood, and was tossing this around in my head for a couple weeks. I am so glad that my mom was released from the stress of the Corona Virus Pandemic, and passed from natural causes. I know it is extremely long, but I had 50 wonderful years with my mother and there was so much more I could have said here, but didn’t for all of our benefit, lol. I feel that writing is a good way to get thoughts organized and in this case, to handle grief.

Dear Mom, I tripped and fell down the front steps and knocked out my front tooth on Andrew’s baby carriage when I was about 4 years old. I am sorry I am so clumsy, but you lovingly stopped what we were doing to take me to the emergency dentist, where I had to have the tooth removed. This is probably my earliest memory, being in that tall dentist chair coming out of the anesthesia following the surgery. And then living later on with my FOUR front teeth missing for so long. What an ugly sight, but I never would have known because you loved me through it.

Dear Mom, my memories of kindergarten are muddied, as I had the first 5 days in one school, and then we moved an hour away. I remember the bus ride to the new school and the girl the bus driver told to help me, since we would be in the same class. And I remember that we became great friends after that. Thank you for being home when we got off the bus in the afternoon.

Dear Mom, I know you and Dad were a bit upset when all three of us kids were playing hide and seek in the dark and Andrew somehow cut his forehead super deep. We have no idea how he did that as it was completely dark, but he seems very proud of those stitches.

Dear Mom, I know you were a little mad at me when the school nurse called you and told you to come pick me up because I had the chicken pox. I admit that I knew I had them, but thought I could hide it. I had perfect attendance, as you know, and this was really going to ruin things. Did you ever imagine you would have three children who liked going to school?

Dear Mom, it’s 5th grade and in school it was time to decide if I want to learn an instrument. Since I chickened out of doing this last year, I got a second chance. I picked flute, instead of trumpet like I really wanted last year. I picked it because that’s what the other girls were doing. And I was amazed that you and Dad attended that meeting to find out how you could finance (and eventually purchase) a shiny new flute for ME. I cannot believe you did that for me since we don’t have very much money. You must really have a lot of faith in me to buy me a brand new instrument. I will practice very hard and get very good! I promise!

Dear Mom, I couldn’t see the blackboard in school today. It was the weirdest thing. My teacher asked me a question and I just froze up trying to read the blackboard. I just don’t know what happened, as everything was fine yesterday. But, I guess I have to believe what they said: I need glasses. Thank you for getting me to the optometrist quickly so I can get (gulp) glasses! Little did you know how much I would hate wearing them….for the rest of my life. But, who knew you would be so cool as to let me get contact lenses in 7th grade???? That was amazingly amazing of you! I didn’t think you would consider that until I was at least in high school! Thank you so much!

Dear Mom, I think it might still be in 6th grade and we had to write essays for the time capsule that will be opened in 2029. I won a prize for my writing! We had such a nice ceremony that we attended as a family and I won a nice Merriam-Webster Dictionary. And then you and Dad answering my wish list and getting me the complimentary Thesaurus! Awesome!

Dear Mom, well, I have been in music class for my flute now and I am in my 3rd year. I heard that the marching band was a ton of fun, and although I was too shy to join in the fall, you and Dad have given me permission for the spring time. They get to take an away trip and stay in motels and compete against other bands from around the country. Mom, can I do that too?

Dear Mom, thanks for not freaking out when you discovered that Andrew and I had made ramps and were jumping our bikes down the hill on the east side of the house. All those years when Maureen and I picked on Andrew for being the youngest, you should be happy we do anything non-destructive together.

Dear Mom, I am so excited to be joining the middle school JAZZ BAND. This wouldn’t be possible if you and Dad had not agreed to get me lessons so I could learn the saxophone. Flute is great, but saxophone is the heart of jazz. I might even get to play a solo, but at this point, I’m just happy knowing that I am good enough to be in this great group of people. And now we’ll have the beautiful sound of saxophone flowing through our house!

Dear Mom, you and I had fun today going to Grandpa and Grandma’s grave site and planting flowers. And it was really neat that you let me drive the car in the cemetery even though I am only 14 years old! You were so funny in saying that I couldn’t hurt anybody in there! This is one of the coolest things you’ve ever done!

Dear Mom, thank you for trusting me with going out on my first date when I was 16. I know I had to double date with Maureen, and I was very nervous, but we still had fun. And a bit later when I had my first “steady” you were so smart by saying he could come over any time. I’m sure, now that I think about it, you had a motive!

Dear Mom, thank you for taking me for my driver’s learners permit, even though you made me wait a few, long, difficult months past my 16th birthday. And also for you letting Dad and Maureen handle my lessons. And for letting Dad show me how to drive stick shift! He has worn all his fingernails down, digging them into the door for some reason…And later on when you jumped through hoops even though you were working to get me to driver’s education class in the summer and then in the fall taking me for my driver test. I’ll bet you were happy that I passed that on first attempt! And by then you had encouraged me to get that job at the Super Duper grocery store. I know I can do all the things I want to do with work, school, and band, if I had my own car.

Dear Mom, Oh no! Mom! I’ve been in my 1st car accident! I was so afraid to call you that day, but you left work and came and picked me up and handled everything with car insurance and the body shop, and then you went with me to court.

Dear Mom, I am (hopefully) following in Maureen’s academic achievements by being in the top 20 students in the 11th grade class and having the prestige that accompanies my high school flower chain ceremony at the 12th graders graduation. Now to figure out where I can pick 5 bushels of daisies for the making of the class of 1989 chain. And Maureen has agreed to make me a beautiful dress. I’ll bet you never thought you would hear your tom-boy middle kid say, “beautiful dress” in same sentence. I don’t mind the dress because it is an honor to be in the ceremony.

Dear Mom, I really like working at Super Duper and they promoted me to $4.25 an hour! Isn’t that something? I get to work in the office handling checks and supervising the others. I have also met a guy named Jason who goes to next town over’s High School. He drives a Camaro! We met in frozen foods…we’ve got a date!

Dear Mom, WOW! Where did the time go? I’m 6th in the graduating class of 1989! And I’m in the college of my choice, looking forward to studying business. I know you are proud of me! I cannot wait to live in the college dorm and eat college food and study all night and make new friends.

Dear Mom, Jason and I broke up after 3 years. It just wasn’t working out. We have changed so much since high school. He didn’t seem to like that I was in college when he didn’t like college and just wanted to work. And I’ll never forget what you said, “I didn’t think that was going to last permanently anyway!” That makes me laugh, although I am very heart broken. I am listening to those sad, sad love songs on the radio, while working my first full time job for the summer (at $5 per hour!). Just devastating!

Dear Mom, I’ve graduated college and had my first few “starter” jobs. And you have supported me by being one of my best cheer leaders. You have consoled me over several broken relationships over the years and since you and Dad had broken up when I was 16, you seemed to understand ever the more. You even let me move back home a few times when money was tight (and thank you for charging me rent and not treating me like a baby). I’ll be out of your hair soon because I really don’t like this drive from the country to the city anyway…

Dear Mom, I’ve met a guy and he’s very cool. I didn’t think I would ever meet anyone who I would consider for my “forever” guy since I’m so old at age 25 (for heaven’s sake, I’ve been a bridesmaid like 5 times!). Our first date was on your birthday 1996! I think I like him a lot, but he is different. He is a born again Christian which I have always thought were strange people. But he’s not like that. He is like my knight in shining armor! And this is great since you are getting married this year. I would like him to be my guest to your wedding, but I hope it’s not too much of a commitment for him! I am honored to be your maid of honor at the wedding.

Dear Mom, we’re getting married! He proposed to me on Valentine’s weekend 1997 and we set the date for August of 1998. Mom, you must help me make the things we can make ourselves and save money! I want to make the floral arrangements myself and I really need your help. And we need to go dress shopping! Time for you and Larry to meet his parents!

Dear Mom, how are you and Larry doing? We have been trying hard to have a baby in our first year of marriage, and we just cannot. We’re both being tested, but I just do not know what can be the problem. I never wanted to have babies, but after I met and married my Knight, the Lord changed my mind. We are young, we will be okay. These things take time sometimes.

Dear Mom, will you and Larry watch our house while we travel to Israel for two weeks in March of 2004? We need you to watch the dogs, cats, and bird. You do not not have to do anything special with the finch. Just make sure they have fresh water and food. We will call you if we are able to. We are going to see where Jesus walked! I am excited and scared at same time.

Dear Mom, seriously, why you gotta do that and move several states away for “better weather” and a “retirement home” in 2005? What if we are successful and finally have some kids? You are not going to be here to see them grow up? I thought we were true New Yorkers and could tough out any storm, ha ha. I want you to be happy, but we don’t know a soul there and who will watch out for you as you get older? And the distance, it’s like a 13 hour drive by car. And who will watch our house when we travel? You guys were so good at that except for letting my finch get eaten by the cat…

Dear Mom, Gosh, I think Gary’s trying to throw me a surprise party for my 40th, and I definitely don’t want that. What’s the point if you can’t be there? This winter has been awful so far!

Dear Mom, Thank you for driving up to New York in a snowstorm for my 40th surprise birthday party (2010 already on it’s way out, wow!). That was the best gift!

Dear Mom, we have rented a mountain cabin in spring of 2012 in North Carolina about a 2 hour drive for you and it has 3 bedrooms, so we would like to invite our friends from New York who moved to Raleigh: Sally and Ed. Is that ok? This will be a time of great relaxation and you guys will love Sally and Ed. Especially Sally. She’s very down to earth.

Dear Mom, since my friend Sally has died and her husband has asked Gary to do the service, we will swing by and see you for a bit. I hope that will work for you. The service will be in June of 2016.

Dear Mom, I have sad news. I have been diagnosed with cancer today January 5th 2017. Don’t worry Mom, it’s CLL, they say it’s the “good blood cancer”. I am in good hands here as there are some very good doctors. Mom, don’t be sad. I’m going to be ok. In other news, good news! Gary is going to be ordained in February of 2017! We are so excited about this as this is Gary’s heart’s desire.

Dear Mom, we’re booking a large house in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee around Mother’s Day 2017, and we definitely want you and Larry to come. Sally and Ed loved that place so we decided to check it out. And I really need some “me and Mom” time since this year has been a little stressful for me.

Dear Mom, it’s ok that you cannot come on the Pigeon Forge trip because of your accident. We are flying into Charlotte, so we will surprise you in the hospital and double back to Pigeon Forge and get there a little late. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.

Dear Mom, How are you feeling? I am so happy that we are going to be helping Gary’s cousin and her 3 children while she goes to the local cancer hospital for her brain tumor. I would love for you to visit us when you can. Maybe you can come up for your husband’s 2018 family reunion. Just a thought. And mainly because I’m unable to come visit you this year.

Dear Mom, don’t you think it is a little much for you to come back to New York a second time this year, 2019? You aren’t walking too well, and I know you are in a lot of pain. Also, driving for so long without your feet elevated has to be hard on your heart. Also, don’t you think we had a nice get together in Pawley’s Island in the spring? You don’t have to do this for me! You do so much for me.

Dear Mom, pandemic 2020 and covid 19 keeps messing with my plans to visit you. With my CLL, I am strongly at risk for catching covid and I am, admittedly, a little fearful traveling. I will try again in a few months. By then, I will be used to the cancer medication I’m now taking AND I’m sure this whole thing will blow over!

Dear Mom, it is with great sadness that I inform you that I have cancelled my September trip for next week. I love you very much, Mom, and if I could move heaven and earth to see you and if I only knew we would both be safe as you have been so sick this year, I would come. But even if you “keep your nose clean”, so to speak, it is very difficult to travel right now.

Dear Mom, I love you. I know you are not feeling yourself. Happy Thanksgiving. Thank you for answering the phone when I called you! I’m not going to tell you this, but I am going to try to drive down in a week. I hope. I wish I could tell you how much I miss you.

Dear Mom, I love you. Merry Christmas. I really am glad I got to see you from the nursing home video “duo” call. That was such a blessing. Almost as good as being there. I know you were unhappy and in pain. I wish I would take away that pain, I really really do.

Dear Mom, You were such a bright light on the New Year’s Eve duo call. I’ll never forget how you were so talkative with Uncle Rick and I and then when you saw Gary come to the video screen, you asked him to give water, like you had seen someone who could quench your thirst. Just like Jesus did in the Bible while on the cross. I will ponder this for a very long time. And then you decided it was time to sleep, and no one was going to tell you otherwise. I love you, Mom. Rest well.

Dear Mom, I thought of calling you all morning today on Monday, January 4th, 2021 to see if you would answer. But I didn’t, time got away. Then at 4pm I found out that you had decided to get on that one way train to heaven to meet Jesus. There are no words to properly express my sorrow. I had hoped we would have a little more time, but apparently this is not meant to be.

Dear Mom, we had your Memorial Service today at our church on January 30, 2021. Gary did the service, just like you wanted. Matthew 11:28 was the key verse, because your health had been so poor for so long. That verse says, “Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” I think that is fitting. We also sang your favorite song, “It is Well With My Soul”, and Maureen made a beautiful Power Point presentation! She remembered that you told her about a song that you liked called, “She Loved” by Jeff and Sheri Easter. All of Gary’s siblings who sing helped with the music, and there were like 20 attendees on Zoom. It was beautiful! You are alive in our hearts and memories, Mom, and you will not be forgotten!

I am so glad for the Bible’s comforting words from Revelation 21: “And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain; for the former things are passed away.” Farewell for now until we meet again.