Finding a way through new seasons

I’m in a reflective mood. As I write it is a year to the day since we packed up our lives and relocated to the north of England after thirty-four years on the south coast. As I look back over the year that’s gone, as well as the eighteen months of planning that came before, I’m so aware of the role of new seasons in all of our lives. Some new seasons are planned for (in our case with hours of talking, as well as countless spreadsheets!), but other seasons are definitely not of our planning and take a lot more getting used to. I read recently that new seasons are sometimes invited and other times uninvited. I like that description. In many ways the whole world is in an uninvited new season of finding a way forward after all the changes that covid has brought; but more of that later.

Change is a funny thing. We once had a church pastor who used to say that the only thing guaranteed was that “Change is here to stay!” I must confess that I’m not the best at change. I like routines I’m familiar with, people and places and food that I already know. All that has gone out of the window since my blood cancer diagnosis, moving six hours north to a completely new area and starting a year of treatment during a pandemic! Having said that, there have been some wonderful changes. We found a house in a beautiful village we’ve grown to love and we’ve become grandparents for the second time. Finding a way through these new seasons has been a challenging but really rewarding time as I look for a way to really live, not just survive. Some days have definitely been more successful than others, but I’m learning not to beat myself up about that. I’m a really sociable person, so for me lockdowns have been particularly challenging. I’ve been so grateful for the technology that has allowed me to keep in contact with my friends and family as well as my “blood family” support group.

As a Christian, pursuing peace in my life has always been important to me. A lot of the time that means I have to trust that God knows what He is doing! In the book of Proverbs it says “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths”. We took the amazing step of agreeing to buy our new house after a “Virtual viewing” consisting of the vendor “showing us round” the house on facetime! We came off the call and agreed that we’d found what we were looking for. Google Earth allowed us to “walk” round the village, but it wasn’t until several months later that we set foot in what was to be our new home. This might sound like madness to some, but we believed that God had directed our paths to this house in this place. There have been many things over the past year which have confirmed this to us. Nevertheless it’s a fact that as we and others move into a new season, it often requires us to step into the Unknown, Uncomfortable, Scary, often Unpleasant. We are tempted to hold onto the familiar, but often that is not possible. We often end up in a time of feeling like we are fighting against all that change brings, but maybe there are things to embrace in each new season, whether invited or uninvited.

Quite soon after I was formally diagnosed with Chronic Lymphocytic Leukaemia (CLL) in the Summer of 2018, I was in church. Our church family have always been really important to us, being alongside us through bringing up our children and all the challenges and joys that life can bring. I had shared my diagnosis with the leaders and a few close friends, but was still feeling a bit shell-shocked if I’m honest. During the service a really trusted friend came to the front of the church to share a word with the church. This lady is an amazing prayer warrior, who I know has prayed for our family consistently. She read from Isaiah chapter forty-five. It says “I will go before you and level the mountain, I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in the secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.” As soon as I heard the phrase “treasures of darkness”, it was like a dam had burst inside of me and I wept uncontrollably. How on earth could treasures be found in the darkness of a cancer diagnosis? I wept with a really good friend who had also recently had a cancer diagnosis, but sadly died a few months later. Treasures of darkness? Really?

For me, finding things to be grateful for has been a really important thing as I look for things to embrace in this strange new season in which we find ourselves. Choosing to focus on the good more than the difficult, scary, unpleasant things is a real act of will, particularly when the media has for so long been a place of doom and gloom. The Bible has a really good list of things to think about – “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.” That’s not to say we shouldn’t be informed about what’s happening in the world around us, far from it, rather it’s about where we choose to focus our thoughts and attention. Where we let our thoughts dwell. Much as when a toddler turns our face to look at them when they want our attention, we sometimes have to drag our faces away from things that drag us down and focus on those that lift us up. Look to things that nourish us, rather than deplete us. Even as I write, I’m aware that these are easy words to write, but harder to carry out; nevertheless, it’s still something I try to put into practice, even if I don’t always succeed!

One big change I’ve had to deal with is moving from two paid jobs to a time of not working. In many ways it’s been lovely to have time without the responsibilities of managing a busy town centre foodbank, as well as working with three choirs, but there’s also been a time of adjustment. So often we feel we are identified by what we do. By the age of ten I already knew that I wanted to be a primary school teacher (children aged 5-11) with a music specialism. I am a musician, that is never going to change, but it’s not all I am. During this time of rest from work I’ve really made myself consider what I need to pursue in my life, particularly now things are starting to open up a bit more. It’s not just about things that I can do, but more about the things that really fire me up, that nourishing rather than depleting thing again. I’ve rediscovered my piano playing again, not for school, choir or church, but just for joy, for me. I’ve rediscovered music I played in my teens, albeit with rusty fingers. I love to cook and the mindful aspect of baking and creating meals has been a source of real contentment. However the biggest thing I’ve discovered about myself is that I have to connect with people. I’ve learnt that as people pop into my head it’s really good to reach out with a message, offering prayers or just to show I’m thinking of them and walking alongside. It means a lot when people do that to me. The value of words.

Going through a year of blood cancer treatment has obviously been a huge change for myself and my husband as he seeks to support me through it. The first couple of months especially was a tricky time as I fought anxiety about potential side effects, as well as dealing with suddenly having lots of new medication. More recently there have been hugely encouraging signs that the treatment is really working well for me. I can see that the hard days have been worth it for the promise of hopefully many years of remission. Sharing my treatment story with those who might be facing treatment in the near future has been a huge blessing. I truly believe that many of the things we go through are because one day someone will be helped by hearing our story and sharing our experiences.

As we emerge from lockdown restrictions I’m aware that life has changed so much for everyone in the past eighteen months, such that we almost can’t imagine our pre-pandemic lives. Those of us with blood cancer and others who are immune compromised, have the additional factor of whether we have developed antibodies from the vaccines. Everyone will have a different view about how they see various situations. It’s like we are all carrying out our own risk assessments on a daily basis. What feels acceptable and safe for me might be completely different for you. We may be feeling anxieties we never would have even thought about pre-covid. I firmly believe we must be patient, not judgemental, with each other in these weeks and months, but we must all find a way to move forward into this new season, maybe even looking for those treasures that can come out of darkness.

I have a picture on my wall which says “Enjoy the small things, because one day you’ll look back and realise they were the big things”. We might not feel ready for returning to many aspects of our pre-pandemic lives, but there are many small things we can focus on to bring some peace and joy into our lives. That’s my daily aim anyway! I’m not denying that there are still days when things feel a bit bleak, but I’ve learnt that I can go to bed and start again the next day. Those days don’t mean I’ve failed. I recently saw a great poster that said “I’m not okay today, but today is not forever. I will be okay again.”

When we were planning our big life change, the phrase which constantly ran through my head was “Time to live differently”.