This is not a picture of me. But perhaps it could be. Recently, my husband bought used bikes for both of us. We are having such a wonderful summer, even in the midst of COVID disarray. My husband has found two hobbies, so why not have a third? We are saving so much money by being able to work from home that we are able to use our excess funds for good things that might not have been feasible previously.

I love my husband, but sometimes I feel like he is trying to kill me. Perhaps not on purpose, I am not sure. I love watching forensic shows where they explain how they solved the crime. Previously, I was hooked on a show called “Snapped”. Perhaps it is on Netflix, but I actually cancelled that service earlier this year because there are so many other, less costly options. By the way, we cancelled cable last year. It was difficult but we installed this thing called an antenna, and we are getting all sorts of channels. So yes, one might say with the Hulu, Vudu, Amazon Prime and whatever else we are paying for, that we are paying as much as we were; however, I still feel liberated from that “commitment”. Those who know me well, appreciate (I’m convinced) my fervor to stand my ground against the cable company.

Whew! That was a “rabbit trail”. So, back to Snapped. For those of you who have not heard of it, it was generally a show about women who killed their husbands. There was no forensics needed to understand this show. You always knew who done-it. Therefore, if there could be evidence that my husband is trying to “off” me, you will find it in this article. Alert the authorities if I experience a suspicious end! Mind you, I have told him more than once that I am worth more alive than not to him currently, and I believe he is in agreement…

So my husband has always wanted bicycles since we got together, and he really, really likes doing things with me. Hence, the bikes in 2020. And he really wants to go, go, go on every trail in our area.

The problem is, I cannot stand the heat we have been having this summer. Anything over 80 degrees Fahrenheit makes me nauseated. I believe many of you with blood cancer can relate. It is strange, because, after starting on Acalabrutinib at the end of this May, I was very cold in our air conditioned house; even so, being outside in our higher-than-average-heat for more than a few moments, made me uncomfortable.

And I feel so weak. And it seems my husband thinks it can be solved with exercise. I think that those of us with a blood cancer diagnosis know this is not always the case.

I used to be very strong, which was a natural trait gifted me from my father’s side of the family. That side of the family is strong like bulls. When we were growing up, because my father wanted land and to raise some livestock, we were mini farmers of a sort. And my dad always (and still does at age 80) planted beautiful vegetable gardens. We were eating kale long before it became a “super food”. I think one of my father’s strengths as a parent was to use the three acres of land to inspire us to do things to take care of it. Outdoor chores were never given. I think they were presented as opportunities. I loved taking care of our land! I helped my dad in his gardens, took care of some of the animals, started mowing the lawn which was huge at age 12, chopped wood for our wood-burning stove with ax or chisel/sledge hammer at age 7 (actually, I don’t know how old I was, I just remember loving to do it), and I helped Dad to fix our cars.

When I met my husband in 1996, we did a lot of outdoorsy stuff, like hiking and exploring. I had a tendency of dating men previous to my beloved who were way more active than me. There was Joe the mountain climber (hmm, I wonder if he is still alive?), and Paul who was 6 years older than me and decided he wanted to learn to snow board–by himself! My husband had achieved master fitness instructor status in the Army, had trained in the military with the Rangers for possible deployment in 90’s to the Middle East…nothing to sneeze at.

We have fished, we have camped, snorkeled, roller bladed, ridden ATV’s, zip-lined, kayaked… But had never gotten bicycles for some reason. So one might say, “It is good to be active.” So fast-forward to the present.

So, as of today, my bike has only been ridden once. I took it out last week and road it down the road. You know that saying, “you never forget how to ride a bike”? Although that may be true intellectually, my body disagreed. I was scared and concerned about riding in to the ditch on the side of the road or getting hit by a car. It was difficult!

We are often frightened of the difficult! But when we refuse to change something that is toxic to us, or to begin a new diet, or make life changes by taking that new job, we are the ones who ultimately lose.

I started writing this on a Monday, and now it is Friday. I still have not ridden that bike again! But tomorrow is Saturday, and I would like to ride it around the block. And I will wear jeans and long sleeves, in case I fall. And I will take baby steps! I know that I will not be racing in the Tour de France any time soon, but if I don’t try, I will be missing out on something special.

And although I might fall, as long as I have my protective gear on, I will not be hurt…

Now I know this post is about wanting to do something, but I would also like to address the “have to” category. Are you stuck in a tough decision? Are you facing aggressive treatments? Financial burdens? Job decisions? Drought in the relationships you depended on most?

Is there something you are wanting to–or have to–tackle, but are not sure how? Our group on BCU (Blood Cancer Uncensored) is here to help. Please post your thoughts on the group page, drop us a line, or join the weekly Zoom meeting! You are not alone! We are in this together!