I am not who I was before.

I am actually better somehow, but I do have trouble seeing that sometimes…

It is interesting how this disease has stolen my memory. I am not quite 50 years old, but I don’t remember much about my life before I was diagnosed with cancer.

I don’t quite remember how everything changed, or exactly when it changed, but I slowed down, became fatigued more easily. My medical appointment calendar started filling up like never before.

And I slowly, but surely learned an entire new vocabulary, such as hematologist, absolute lymph count, and petechiae. At every appointment they were suggesting immunizations that were for the over 60 crowd and my arms were marked up as they took blood sample after blood sample.

I was (and still am) impressed that I was able to comprehend anything new!

But I didn’t give up on life. But I definitely re-evaluated my Life Journey. Life means so much more to me now. And relationships. They are super important. When one is given a cancer diagnosis, I believe we strive to be more honest, more real, and to let go of the surface friendships we once held on to so tightly. We might even find ourselves with a whole new group of friends.

For me, it deepened my level of compassion for others. Now, I know this doesn’t happen this way for everyone, but I find myself relating to people and their problems like never before.

I find myself constantly praying.

I can do nothing in my own strength. God has certainly taught me that through my weakness….this illness known as CLL.

He has allowed my skin to carry many, many scars. Reminders of things that have happened in the past. Reminders that I still carry about me this flawed body that is to be used for the Glory of God. These help me to remember some events in my life. And to be able to see backwards to where I’ve come from, and where I am going.

The other day, I had my “skin check”. My cancer center provides this service to folks like me as a convenience. I had a dermatologist previously for some skin defects that needed removal, but it always took months to get in that office.

My cancer center treats me like a queen, in certain respects. They definitely are trying to streamline a tedious process for us!

But on Tuesday, I had to be humbled and wear the hospital robe in a cold exam room and wait for the dermatologist to come in for the examination. This woman, I nicknamed her “the skin whisperer” because she is very astute, and observant. She brought another woman in this time, an intern, who is learning her valuable trade.

As she conducted the examination, she gently calls over to the intern her findings, who records them on the electronic chart. I am suddenly aware of how many nicks and scars I already have from an active life lived. I feel so exposed. And although she finds no “suspicious moles”, she hones in on this mark that I carry on the right side between my breastbone and throat, and she says, “Would you like that removed?” I consent and this weird defect is removed…not to be graphic, but I was always aware of it, in pretty much any social setting. When nervous or unsure of myself, my right hand would cover it. I didn’t realize how “attached” I was to it.

Now it is gone, and what is left behind is a tiny red mark, which will hopefully fade in time. And the skin is smooth for the first time in like seven years. I am set free, so to speak!

This brings to mind how God heals. He often takes away the “sore spot” but occasionally leaves a little red mark behind. The surgery has been performed, and now the healing can begin.

Remember.

I think it is a good idea to reflect on those scars and reminisce what caused them, and like mentioned earlier, they bring to our memory life events. For example, I have a crescent moon shaped scar on the inside of my left knee from around age 12 or 13. I was a little rough and tumble when I was a kid, and we lived on a farm of sorts. I was clearing up a pile of junk in our uninhabited chicken coop. There I battled with a piece of metal that thought it had the better of me. I remember taking a detour into the house and putting a bandage on me and not saying a word to anybody. And then I headed back outside to continue my project. I think that one should have had stitches….

Then there is one on my right hand, that is partially faded. It was a long, cold winter day, and all of us were stuck inside. My brother and I were fighting, and I, being the older child, and at that age where sibling rivalry can be a bit violent, I was doing something enormously stupid like threatening him with a lamp or something. My mother tried to restrain me by grabbing my right arm. I wrenched away from her hold and her strong thumb nail scrapped across the top of my hand. Again, I ran to that chicken coop to cry out my anger and pain. And I matured. I learned to love my brother.

There are surgery scars. I had foot surgery at age 20 while on winter break from college. But I returned for the spring semester with crutches — and in the snow I learned to FLY on those crutches! I used to run to keep pace with my over 6 foot friend, Eric. Now I was leaving him in the dust! And that surgery left two ugly scars on the top of my left foot that will never completely fade…

There are the scars on both of my palms from carpel tunnel surgery in 2006. Reminders of past pains and hurts.

I remember the reason I needed the foot surgery and carpel tunnel surgery. They were both, in effect, elective surgeries, but if I had not chosen them, I would not be walking and I most certainly would not be typing on this keyboard.

I am so thankful for those scars!

My Savior Jesus has reminder scars. Scripture says:

Isaiah 53:5

“But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.” (KJV)

The type of pain and abuse that Jesus endured on the day he was falsely accused, whipped within inches of his life with the cat of nine tails whip (for description of what a Roman cat of nine tails was, click here–please be aware this is a very graphic form of punishment: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cat_o%27_nine_tails#:~:text=The%20cat%20o%27%20nine%20tails%2C%20commonly%20shortened%20to,judicial%20punishment%20in%20Britain%20and%20some%20other%20countries. ) and then nailed on a rough-hewn wooden cross, which, in and of itself was a slow, torturous death sentence. But why? Because, even in Jesus’ own words from Matthew 20:28 Even as the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.

The most amazing example of “elective surgery” there ever was. A ransom? Whatever for?

Because, long ago, far away, in a place called Eden, God created the first man and first woman (Adam and Eve) and placed them in the most wonderful, perfect location and asked them to simply care for it. But God knew exactly how he had created the first humans and had gifted them with free will, the ability to intellectualize things and make their own decisions. They were not marionettes, controlled by strings by a stronger entity!

So they chose. They chose to eat of the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, and, in effect were exposed to sin like a tsunami wave and they could see things that God never intended for his beloved creation to see.

And they had disobeyed him in doing so, so God allowed sin to enter into their world. He allowed danger, and illness and natural disasters. But he promised a cure, a remedy

He promised his only Son. This is why Jesus is the ransom. He is the antidote. He does this because, even though we must be held accountable for our behavior, He LOVES.

And because Jesus is God’s son, and is God, he took the punishment and died on the cross, and was buried in a secure tomb. On the third day he rose again in victory and appeared to many people, not least this loyal followers. Then he went back to heaven, where he waits for his followers who choose life to join him.

But the scars remain, as the infinite reminder of the eternal remedy that exists for all of us when we acknowledge these events and accept that it was for ME. For YOU. God never took away that free will that caused all this trouble in the first place. If he had wanted robots, he would have made them. Instead, he created diverse, beautiful people like you and me. He gave us choice and unique intellect!

I know that life is hard. But we are in this together. When I meet a new person, I can usually tell relatively quickly where they are in their Life Journey, and God blesses me through knowing new people he created. When I meet someone — no matter where they are from — who has experienced the love of God and understands what Jesus did for all of us during that glorious event of his death and resurrection, I am elated, and there is an instant connection.

I would like that for all of you! I do no know how you cope with your individual “scars”, whatever they are, but I know my Jesus knows about your life and in a relationship with him, you can indeed feel safe and secure, no matter what your circumstances are. He has a little experience with life and difficult situations!

I close with a beautiful song about Jesus’ scars. Please contact us at www.embassyorchrist.org and send us a hello email and your prayer requests. We would love to hear from you! Blessings, Lisa